I’m not sure if this is the right place to open up at, but I just have to open up a little bit somewhere right now. I’m really badly depressed. I feel like I have failed completely in my life. I’ve always given completely wrong image about myself to all the people I have been in contact with during my life. This is due to the fact that I’m unbelievably bad in social situations and I’m afraid of being myself except with the people I know really well. I’m socially afraid in places where there are lots of people, like casinos, and I can’t open my mouth. I feel like everyone is staring at me and talking about me. I am also really bad at getting to know new people, although I would very much like to do that. I’ve been like this all my life and if everything continues like this, I’m always going to be like this. I don’t feel like I want to live anymore. There’s no reason for me to wake up in the morning and I actually often lay on my bed the whole day without doing anything. I am unemployed and I don’t feel like applying for work. My school ended a year ago and since that I’ve spent all my time regretting all my mistakes and feeling sorry about my life that sucks so bad. I don’t think that my friends and close people even know that I’m depressed. I don’t show my depression to anyone. I don’t even want to get help, because no one would be able to understand me and the pain I’m feeling. Sometimes I have days when I feel like everything is going to get better. More often though I feel like everything is lost and there’s no way out. The thing that annoys me the most is the fact that I have caused all this myself and there’s no one else to blame for it. I’d like to start my life all over again, fix the countless mistakes I’ve made and use the many opportunities I’ve had and not used during my life. There’s nothing in my life and I feel like I can’t succeed in anything. I fuck everything up. It’s not easy to be me. I suck.
May 13, 2010 Thursday at 2:05 pm
I have so many skeletons in the closet that the door hardly closes. I can’t even write them all here because I’m afraid that someone would recognize me. I’m a loser swimming in self-pity that will never do anything great in his life, even though I’ve always succeeded in IQ tests. I have too much debt and so many problems with money and my personal finances that there’s nothing I can do about it. Talk about payday loans, mortgage loans or loans from my friends at pikavippivertailut.info – I have it all and more. I don’t know how to love anyone anymore or how to get interested about anyone because anytime I’ve done it I’ve been hurt really badly. Still some little voice in my head tries to make me care about one important lady to me, even though I realize that all I can be for her is an average friend. I know that I can only disappoint myself, no matter what I do. Every day I pray for a higher power to give me a big win in an online casino to save me from my huge debts. I play poker and bingo in netticasinot many times a week even though I have too much debt already. I just wish that my luck would change one day and I would win big to be able to get rid of my debts and maybe have some money to spend as well. I smoke too many cigarettes that I bought from www.sähkötupakka.net a day and even though I have changed to electronic cigarette I think I’m still using way too much money on that and I ruin my health at the same time. Sometimes I think that if I could choose whether to win in lottery or die instantly, I would choose death. I don’t think that millions of dollars would help to fix the damage that my soul has experienced during my horrible life. I still can’t end my own days because I have promised that to someone at www.pikalaina.me. I also have a sick obsession of keeping my promises. I guess that’s very rare in today’s society. I’ve been very depressed for a long time but I don’t have any strength to get help even to my debt problems. I recently realized that a friend of mine had got meds for similar problems but I can’t steal them even though I would like to.
February 4, 2010 Thursday at 2:34 pm