the law of the playground

Oh, We're On Telly Again

It's too late to catch the first episode now, but if you're the kind of person who likes watching people more famous and successful having memories ten times more glamourous and amusing than anything in your own shineless headbanks, then the second series of Law of the Playground is currently being shown on Channel 4, on Friday nights.

Them's some primetime bananas, my friends, and if you're one of those houses with the boxes that affect viewing figures, we'd greatly appreciate it if you watched it. Let's get that tricky third series commissioned!

Readers, I'm afraid that it's time for us to get MEAN. Consider "Humphrey":

Back in 2003, Humphrey discovered the website that is The Law of the Playground and he saw that it was good. Racking his brains, Humphrey posted a funny and to Humphrey's delight, the funny was approved and Humphrey was well pleased. And all his friends thought he was ace.

Fast forward to 2008. Humphrey has moved on in the world. Humphrey is head of Department at the prestigious St. Henry Hoover's College of Possibly Racist Joke Studies and Household Appliance Fucking.

But Humphrey has a dark past. Because lurking on the internet, there is a story entitled "touching your bum and then wiping the sweat on the supply teacher's sandwiches" and guess whose name's written all over it?

So the morals of this story are.

1. Please read the fucking FAQ before you submit.

2. IF YOU HAVE DONE A VANITY GOOGLE SEARCH AND YOU DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU'VE FOUND, THEN TOUGH TITS. YOU DON'T OWN THE INTERNET, DO YOU?

Well, that was interesting, wasn't it? Our hosting company decided that they'd really rather like to share all of our source code with you lucky lot over the last week.

The fact that there was anything left of the site to resurrect is frankly astonishing to me. I had fully expected that we'd be hosting child porn by now.

Still, it could be worse. We could all be working for HMRC. Eh? EH?

As many of you'll know, The Law of the Playground has already appeared on TV. You might even have seen the star-studded A-List cavalcade, in which Liza Minelli howled in appreciation of her own memories about trumping in assembly, and Madonna banged on about getting her tits slapped with a ruler.

Last week, the excitement was cranked up 3-7 notches when we appeared on Celebrity Come Dine With Me, in David Quantick's toilet.

Get behind us, we're starting a conga around the internet! Oh, and there's another LotP series out next year, too.

Ooh, we can access the site again. This means that there might finally be a space to watch.

Gosh, has it really been four months since a news article appeared on Law of the Playground? It seems like it has. Perhaps it’s time to give you a quick update on what we’ve been doing since that fateful summer, when the world was younger and damper and we naively hoped that the LotP telly programme wouldn’t have Justin Lee Collins in it.

Mansh has been polishing his money collection, and hopes to start 2007 with a bang by becoming a human grenade.

Conor is a spy now, and regularly flies to America to look over people’s shoulders in internet cafes.

Phil has retired, and is spending his twilight years chasing goats up a hill.

Ponky no longer believes in God, and is being kept prisoner by a tribe of demented Sussex villagers who even now are approaching his wicker man with flaming torches and plates of salsa dip.

Rosy has vowed to eat her entire weight in giant clams, but is having trouble with the wholesaler. More updates as we get them.

Log is engaged in a high-level diplomatic mission to restore peace and democracy to branches of Thresher across England. He’s currently locked in discussions with the man responsible for ordering wine; they’re on their eleventh bottle and it looks like being a long night.

Jamie is fighting a high court battle to obtain his share of the royalties from Gentle Ben - The Musical, claiming that he was the inspiration for the song "Give Me Berries And Fish".

I’ve been pausing for breath now and again, but so far have failed in my bid to become the world’s purplest man. Damn you, Giles Wilson, and I WILL take your crown one day.

Susan Tobacco has become a creature of pure energy, and as such is no longer concerned with matters that affect mere mortals such as humorous nostalgia websites.

Edward Cockfingers is STILL threatening to reveal the most shittest entries to LotP ever, but he’s been distracted by a passing bus. It’s a very slow bus, so he’s been distracted for quite some time now.

Keep those entries coming. Don’t let us forget about you.

Hey there you! Welcome to our website.

You’re probably here because you’ve seen ‘The Law Of The Playground’ TV programme (‘not as funny as it thinks it is’ – Radio Times) and you’re hungry for more HILARIOUS tales of school time vindictiveness.

Thinking of submitting an entry? It’s so easy! Simply position a microphone next to your exposed anus, spread your bumcheeks, take a deep breath and PUSH!

ONLY JOKING! No, just follow the instructions on the ‘Submit’ page, making sure you read the ‘Guidelines’ bit. Please pay particular attention to the part about making your entry ‘funny’. We are resigned to wading through piles of interminable shit looking for the odd sparkling nugget of genius – so make it yours. Please also note that any entries containing British Bulldog will be automatically deleted and will result in us coming round your house and giving you a dead leg.

We have no power over the TV show, we cannot get you on telly, and this site is not the place to complain about Iain fucking Lee. That is on the ‘inevitable bulletin board’ which can be found by clicking on the ‘explore’ tab; but frankly you’ll only come out of there feeling dirty.

Good luck!

On 21st July 2006, The Law of the Playground Goes Television

Welcome to the Law of the Playground, you gorgeous crop of Tinkerbells.

In addition to being a top-rank book that Christopher Brookmyre called "the most important psychological work of the century" (and he's literature's Quentin Tarantino, so there), your online resource for repressed memories and juvenile atrocities is going to be on the ruddy television.

Current scheduling suggests that it's going to be transmitted on Channel 4, on the 21st July, between the Big Brother eviction shows.

This, in turn, has caused the book publishers to have a little thrill, and they've decided to reprint the LotP book - the very same book which caused 40% of lobsters to open their pincers in what we've chosen to interpret as mirth! If you can spot the subtle changes I made to the text, there're sixty thousand Vietnamese dongs up for grabs!

With your help, I'll earn enough royalties to keep me and the volunteer editors in leggings this winter. Buy the book! Watch the telly! Eat Kangaroo Mince!

Welcome

Hello, and welcome to the Law of the Playground, the internet's finest website.

You've probably noticed that this page has been a bit barren over the past couple of months. But that doesn't mean the team here at LotP Towers has been slacking off - oh no.

Actually, it does. That's exactly what it means. But let's forget about all that and celebrate all the glorious trials of youth contained herein. Keep the entries coming - you never know, they might actually make it in at some point! LOL.

Time for a nap. Cheerio.

Coming Soon: The March/Early April of The Cockfingers

This month (or next month, depending on bus times), for the first time in Playground Law history, the fabled other editor, Mr Edward Cockfingers, will be unleashed. Stay tuned, pups.

I'm Jamie by the way. This is my first post on the front page, but I have to be quick because if the other editors see me they'll throw my hat in the canal and steal my can of Ribena (considering how often this happens it's good thing my Dad works in a hat and Ribena factory!!!). Toodle-Poo!

Happy New Year to all our readers!

OK, so it seems like none of you give a flying bastard about the Margin Gallery. So instead we're having a brand new challenge for 2006.

What you do is, you draw a picture of your own genitals. Then you roll it up, take it outside and slide it up the anus of the first dog you see. Then take a picture of the expression on the face of the dog owner. Then send the photo to us.

We can hardly get less entries than the Margin Gallery got.

Let me Illustrate

Some of you may have noticed that there is a whole side of the Law of the Playground which has yet to blossom like a snowdrop in the first sunlight-drenched dazzle of spring. I'm talking, of course, about the The Margin Gallery, a delightful repository of those doodlings and scribbles which you paid far more attention to than Mr Warburton's analysis of the protagonist's struggle in David Copperfield. We're betting the nation's attics are full of ripe visual material just begging for a wider audience - so climb up that loft ladder and get re-visiting those exercise books. Or massive ring binders, if you were posh. If big brown brothels only cost 27p and Cherry is Skillient, then there must be thousands of phrases, drawings and unusual speednobs to be published here. Scan it, and email the editor of your choice via the site to let them know you want to send over the goods.

Let's get the Margin Gallery really happening. Make us proud.

Forums Go On Holiday
Thanks to the fact I registered Belmsford123 with a rubbish company who don't remember my login details (I forgot them and was too embarrassed to ask), I've moved the forums to a temporary address that I had, lying around. If you're wondering where they are, try the forbidden realms of Bumland. Also, if you want to buy Bumland for £50 to host a curiously British porn site, then we could make a documentary about "The Man Who Sold Bumland".

Also, It's my birthday soon!

It's nearly December and that means work experience time. Jamie was the only child who approached us to ask if he could work for us for a while.

Well, I SAY approached. Actually he sent his mum in because he was down the arcade.

So we'll be sending him out to buy elbow grease, making him ring up the zoo to ask for Mr C. Lion, and getting him to open an inauthentic looking tin of peanuts with a big springy toy snake inside.

We may also, after some intensive training, allow him to edit a few entries. Frankly, letting a twelve year old with glue ear and a plaster over one of the lenses of his glasses loose on the site can only be an improvement, and it means the rest of us can get back to wanking.

Does your story sound something like this?

Wendy looked like a telly tubby and liked S Club 7 and played the violin, so my friend drew a picture of a telly tubby with a violin up its farter, going, "reach for the stars Wendy you purple bitch" and it was really funny and the teacher put it up on the wall in Art.

Well, we probably won't believe you. We need pictoral evidence for the readers out there, so if your story is about something that was drawed, contact one of editors, stating "I want to send a picture. Please." That would be great and it might get in the Margin Gallery. Do it for Wendy.

Whoops-a-daisy.
Because we're just so popular, like, we've been having a few problems with our server over the past 24 hours or so. I think everything should be back to normal now, but if you notice anything weird going on, I'd appreciate it if you could send me an email to let me know what happened.

Readers! Before submitting an entry, try reading it aloud to someone. If they say "oh", and not "ha ha", it's possible that your entry is interesting but not funny. Some of you have been submitting a lot of schoolyard dialect and slang. Now, this is fine so long at the slang is inherently funny (cf. 'eggy eggy sa sa'), or if there's a funny anecdote attached to it (ibid.). However, if you want the world to know that you said "fooknights" instead of "feighknights", you might want to post it here instead. For an impressively comprehensive history/index of schoolyard slang, rituals, japery and lore, try this. Read all about how when our grandmas were at school, they would pretend to be Shirley Temple and show the boys their knickers. Whereas nowadays, seven year old girls wear boob tubes and won't show their knickers until the second date. How times have changed!

Look! Over there! There's a new picture in the Margin Gallery that we're hoping will inspire you all to scan your doodles and pictures for us to hang on our wall. We're like Take Hart, but with attitude. Like if Mr T bummed Morph? That'd be us.

I've never posted a news article on the front page of the Law of the Playground before, and I certainly don't intend to start now.

School. That most British of Institutions. Like all good Institutions, there's always a belming ninny mugging furiously for attention in the most inappropriate manner.

Hidden on this page is one of them. It's like Where's Wally? Also, like Where's Wally, you won't give a tinker's cuss if you find him or not. In a marked difference to W.W, though, the interloper will not be wearing a big stripey jumper and NHS specs.

Actually, Phil will, so that's not strictly true.

We've recieved a bumper crop of frankly delightful entries this month, and we'll be sharing them with you soon enough. So please, keep it up, and watch your sordid little tales of school embarrassment tape themselves like post-its to the vault of (GCSE) history.

Hi. Since Log brought my crack team of Umpa-Lumpas back from Umpaland to do the moderating & editing on Law Of The Playground, the stories have been passed or discarded in record time. Some of you however, have seen this as an excuse to send in comments on other peoples' stories. Now, unless they are genuinely adding something new to the subject, they will simply be pointed at, silently and with sinister malice.

But don't be sad. No. There's a place for you to do this on Belmsford123, the 'only-slightly affiliated bulletin board'. Simply click on the 'explore' tab at the top of the page, and discover the path using your eyes. You will find the residents welcoming and friendly. Or they might laugh at your stupid gay hair. One or the other. Mansh out.

Backlog Defeated!
Thanks to the efforts of our illustrious new editors, we've stormed through the backlog of entries and had a truly excellent April.

How shall we celebrate this herculean effort? Why, by opening the floodgates once again and letting you lot fill our inboxes with further tales of intrigue.

The submissions page is officially open for business!

The Law of the Playground Television
Thanks for that, Ponky! He sho' do like his pork! And that's the stone cold truth. All truths are cold, it's in their nature - but that truth has a rum chill in its marrow, and I know you know this to be the case.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, Channel Four are making the Law of the Playground into a six-part series, so that's nice. It'll be like your memories, but with celebrities having them, and the great thing about celebrities is that they're more eloquent and entertaining than you are, so I've no doubt it'll be a wonderful show. Apparently we're in the Evening Standard, and it's only 11:40!

Finally, it might convince more of you penny-pinching fuckhoops to buy the frankly gobsmacking book.

That's all. You may resume chewing the insides of your cheeks.

Hello. My name is Ponky and I like eggs. But not as much as I love pork. I've only been here a week, but apparently, I already hold the highest rejection rate for submissions. So you'd better pray to Buddha that I don't get yours - or that somebody gives me a slap for being such a prissy-knickers.

It Twitches... It's Alive...
Have you noticed things around here have been a bit stagnant, lately? Of course you haven't. You stopped visiting a long time ago. But we've got exciting news - in addition to Log (lazy), Phil (busy), and Susan (both), we've now got five new editors who have yet to develop their own excuses for not approving submissions. We'll be asking them to introduce themselves over the next few days; in the meantime, enjoy the new approved entries, you filthy scabs and assorted hags.

Another Website Worth Visiting?
Disappointment, the site where this site used to be, before it got too big to fit in the folders, is now back up. And there's a new section, Fan Fraction, which promises to rapidly become the world's finest reserve of tiny stories.

All human life is there; join in if you like.

We're still here!
We haven't posted an update in a while, but rest assured that we're still here. We've just been insanely busy with other things. It's not all wild decadent orgies of fez-wearing monkeys chez LotP; sometimes we have to pay the bills, too.

Submissions Page Will Be Reopened Today

Phil is in Canada. Although it's twenty past four here, it's lunchtime in Canada. And do you know what Phil's doing this lunchtime? He's driving his car around a mountain of moose and maple to activate the submissions page of this website. Poise your fingers in readiness, I've got a boring office job and I'm ready to edit.

(But what's happening to the 700ish backlog in Susan Tobacco's account, you say? Well, something else is happening to those. GOD, the DRAMA.)

The Book Keeps Classy Bedfellows

The book of this website (that you really can't fail to love or buy, just buy the damn book) finds itself lost in a corridor of grown-ups...

The Best Submission In Ages

Enjoy please, this tale of Special Education Humour. There's a whole crazy gamut of newly approved entries (see October and September) in our attempt to clear the backlog, including the barely believable but honest-to-God true Cedric The Snake, and the highly researched and socially conscious Eenie Meenie Minie Mo.

The submissions page will be reopened soon, you wee chubbies.

Are we really the 46th best website in the world?

It would appear so, if FHM is anything to go by. We battered AdultFriendFinder.com into 69th place. We pipped Ex-Playboy Bunnies to #47. Sadly, we were hammered by that fat kid pretending to be a Jedi (#6) and Paypal. But still. 46th in the world, eh? FORTY SIXTH I TELL YOU!

Book Book Book Reddit Reddit

What with the news that we're now going to be a book, a real, tangible book that you can pre-order now, I've been busy rewriting the site to make it less... well, more less like it is. Come this Friday, the the final draft will be with the publisher, and I can get back (again) to clearing submissions.

Phil, do you reckon we should shut down the submissions page for a while, to help clear the backlog? Phil? Damn, this news articles page is totally the wrong place to be conducting this conversation. Phil?

Niggle with search now fixed

We had a slight problem with the site search today, but things are now back under control.

Anyone who defied my earlier instructions not to click the search link under 'any circumstances' were in for something of a let down. It just didn't work. No spectacular failures; no planes dropping from the sky; no accidental triggering of a nuclear war. It just plain old... didn't work. Sorry about that.

Bloody Fucking Disappointment.com Not Working Again

The 18th March "Let's All Have A Drink" thing is still going ahead, despite the fact the other website has decided to crash and burn. Email the temporary address disappointmentdotcom@hotmail.com if you need any more details.

Sorry about the pissing nuisance. I've had some red wine and I'm spitting sheeps.

The Book of The Law of the Playground

In what is possibly the most exciting thing that has happened to publishing since the thorough update to Terry Pratchett's Discworld Companion, this website is being converted into a real, tangible book.

This explains the erratic updates of late; instead of buffing up new entries, I've been tweaking the old. So that you'll have the ideal gift for everyone you know this Christmas.

So, get your entries in as soon as possible if they're to be considered for the book. I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank you for making this site a success, and sticking with me - then us - through a few knobbly patches.

Thanks,
Log

Merry Christmas. Happy New Year. And more to the point, I'm 30 today, so please! Whip out your cocks and bosoms in a pre-sexual display of genital pride. And don't let them tell you you're dirty.

On the bright side, I've got new shoes! Shiny!

And the temporary unavailability of the bulletin board is in no way related to the fact that I forgot to renew disappointment.com. Durrr. I'm Log. Hello.

November Report Card
It's that time of the month when I usually pop up and share with you the cream of the crop of the last month's worth of posts. Unfortunately, that's not going to happen this month. Owing to illness, laziness, and general life getting in the way, we haven't had much time to get through many posts in the last few weeks. This slacking off is in no way related to the rise in popularity of the LotP bulletin board.

Apologies all round.

Talk Amongst Yourselves

Do you have anything you'd like to talk about or suggest without it appearing in the dictionary?

There's now a little free bulletin board affair thing designed to accommodate you all. It's not a part of this site, and certainly isn't the best way to get an entry into the dictionary, but if you feel you have anything to say, and you just can't shut the fuck up for a minute, then by all means post your little fingers numb on the Bulletin Board.

October Report Card
Phil here, Norden-style thick-framed glasses donned and slightly nasal stuttery with the October Report Card. Once again we had a great month, so pats on the back all round. Only the truly great, however, receive a Law of the Playground Gold Star. And for October, they are:

Evil Edna - extreme bullying, taken so far and so seriously, even the bullied must be flattered at the effort put in.
gay tray - tiny boy ballet dancers read the site! What joy.
I take plastic - a misunderstanding is good, a misunderstanding with a bumsex gag is a joy forever.
Leo's log - "he pissed on the Turd" has become a stock catchphrase for at least one of the editors.
Steve Pine - tickled us pink. Pinker, in Log's case.

Hello there. A gentle request re: submissions. Though we adore hearing from you, please do not send in the same submission more than once. We ask this for two reasons:

i)It makes you look needy. Stop it.

ii)Submissions are divvied out equally between three editors , using a big random computer like the one in Superman 3. If you send in the same submission more than once, more than one editor may end up editing it, and all manner of vexing calamities occur. So just chill your boots.

If you have been waiting a long time to see your submission on the site, we’re sorry. Why not try a hobby?

"Dr Goose Went A-Searching (And What Did He Find?) (HE FOUND A BIGGER GOOOOOOSE!)": A handy guide to searching for your submissions.

So yeah, we’ve had a number of queries (yes, one is a number) regarding our new search system. To assist you, it may help to know a little about the approval process every submission goes through here at "PL".

First, imagine a man called Bob. Bob has remembered a very funny thing about a kid at his school who ate chalk. After carefully checking that a similar story has not been submitted elsewhere on the site, and it is really a thing he remembers and not something he’s copied out of Viz Profanisaurus, he submits it to Playground Law. The month is November. The weather is cold and bright. Bob enjoys kicking his way home through big piles of crunchy leaves, but he’s disappointed in his local shopkeeper, Mr. Singh, who has been selling bangers to underage children. Last week they really gave old Mrs. Lipman a scare, and she’s 78. It’s not right. Bob will be glad when Guy Fawkes night is finally over. Anyway. The months pass, and Bob realises that he is yet to see his submission appear on the Playground Law website. Bob is sad.

Ffwd to January. It’s my birthday, everyone is in fine fettle and shopping in very expensive hat shops. Bob’s submission is found wedged down the back of the internet, covered in dust and fluff. One of two things will now happen. Scenario one: Bob’s entry is GOOD. Chucklicious, stylish and startling. The editors pass it round in the manner of the Booker prize committee. We agonise over the changing of a punctuation mark. Finally, it is the most perfect entry ever. The Eds approve it. NOW. Because Bob sent this item in way back in November, EVEN THOUGH we approved it in January, it will appear under the NOVEMBER search. Buried away under months of other stuff, seemingly old hat and out of date. Poor Bob. Or at least that’s how it used to be. In the bad old days. Nowadays, thanks to our new "by date approved" option, you can see that items are displayed as and when they are APPROVED by the Eds. Rather than when they were submitted. (Unless, scenario two happens. Scenario two is this: Bob’s entry is SHIT. It’s shitty shit shit and awful and shit. It is thrown in the bin. That is the other thing that can happen to your submissions. So think on.)

But why does this matter to YOU, the reader/submitter? (we could use the word "contributor", but we won’t. We like you as Submitters. Submitting. As in, submit, you filthy little girl, and lick that milk off the floor before Nanny gets cross. Good girl.) Well, what this means is that stuff that is brand, spank-me new to the site will appear in a more logical location, i.e. under the "by date approved" bit. You get the freshest, up to date stuff without having to trawl through the bits you’ve read a bazillion times to find the new submissions. Of course, it would be nice if we approved everything in the month it came in, but, you know, feh.

This is the longest news thingum we’ve ever written, and it’s probably knocked Phil’s nice September round up below off the screen, so, um, sorry. Scroll down for Phil’s Dennis Norden style collection of the best of your submissions and please, keep ‘em coming. (By "‘em," we mean your submissions. But there’s probably a hilarious "coming" gag in there! Maybe about Dennis Norden! You could write it in your own head! Do it now!)

Hugs and Kisses xxxx (PS: If you are new to PL, and have been frightened by all this wordy technical stuff, please don't be scared! Just click on "browse" or look at some past news stories, it'll all make sense. It's only whimsy!)

September report card
Time for a new feature here on The Law of The Playground - the end of month report card in which we award our favourite entries a Gold Star. We had a bumper crop of entries last month, many of which rank among the bestest ever, but only a very select few get Gold Stars... for September they are:

blatant disregard of being sent out of class
firecracker in coat
hitler; as job description
little reindeer
peacock game
what are you eating under there?

Finally, in a self-congratulatory sort of way, mention must be made of the Team's obsession with the calculation of love percentages and satire through origami.

And! Because we love you all, we've added another new feature for which we've had several requests. Now you can browse the database by the date that entries were approved. This will prove how slow we are at editing stuff. Honestly, we're rubbish at it.

Welcome once AGAIN to the Law of the Playground. Where the source of all your present day weakness and insecurity is stored in a searchable database.

Having moved host, the site is now running smoother than your hairless crotch. So there's less excuse than ever to sit around not submitting entries that we've missed out.

But don't send in British Bulldog. Phil's got a real bee in his bonnet about British Bulldog. I think he was bummed by one.

We're back, again, like a bad penny or an unloved aunt with a hairy mole on her cheek and the reek of garlic on her breath as she leans in for a Christmas kiss. But the old bird's worth a fortune so you grin and bear it, hoping she'll remember you when she shuffles off the proverbial. Not that there's any chance of that happening soon; the old bird's as tough as last week's porterhouse.

Oh, and we've moved to a new host, which we hope will be able to handle the vast amounts of traffic that used to overwhelm the old one. So, welcome one, welcome all. And a very big Cilla-style welcome to all those concurrent users who previously couldn't be welcomed.

Phil here with a simple request. Did you play British Bulldog? You bet you did! So did I. And so did everyone else. Cor, those were the days, eh? Out on the playground at lunchtime, all piling into a great melee of British Bulldog, then round to Corky's Cafe for a slap up feast of bangers and mash like wots in the Beano.

Everyone did it - even those ones that pretend they didn't. Even the fat stinky kid has fond memories of British Bulldog. And not a single one of us needs reminding of the rules.

So, please, no more submissions of British Bulldog, it's just too ubiquitous to merit inclusion. Ta muchly!

Hello and welcome to Playground Law, the website whose childhood was so traumatic we’ve blanked it all out and need your help to remember it. Our mental scabs are freshly healed and we invite you to pick at them. Mmmmm.

Regular viewers may have noticed the site has got a tad nasty of late; Phil and I are flinging handfuls of jam at each other across the continents, and Log just sits in the corner, eating his hair and rocking gently, trying not to attract attention. A tragic state for the kings of a once mighty porn empire.

What we need now is some LOVE. A quick dose of the happys. So we’d like to present some of your submissions we collectively thought were marvellous and deserving of praise. It’s nice to be nice.

Hitler; as job description: Nice title, nice story, a strong showing all round. Blue ribbon.
Kindergarten in the nude: A delicate balance of light and dark, like having sex with an attractive blind person.
Sergent Major: This made our tummies go funny.
Joey Deacon: The lastest entry to the Deacon thread broke all the rules with it’s huge sausage-like fingers, but we laughed at it’s wrongness. The power of Deacon can still move one.
German Terrorists:Usually it is the foreigns who make with the crazy misunderstandings! This flips that notion on its head in a subtlefest of goodness.

We're back! The submissions page has re-opened, with a shiny new set of guidelines.

Yes, re-opening has taken a little bit longer than we expected, but those guidelines didn't just write themselves, you know. Each word was lovingly chosen from only the finest lexica and choicest vocabularies. I'm sure you'll agree that it was worth the wait.

We're just being lazy now. Any... day... now. We mean it... Any day now. Tomorrow? Maybe.

In the meantime, while you wait for us to reopen the submissions page, why not enjoy the ongoing saga of Log and Phil's growing animosity-slash-sexual tension? It’s certainly exciting, whether you know them or not.

However, if you feel a website news board is not the place for two grown, hairy men to explore their burgeoning emotions, then start your own damn nostalgia based web page of whimsy. I love it. I’m aroused just reading it. I’m sliding off this chair with woman’s saturation.

Of course if this sheer gayness is too rich for your blood, why not look at the rest of the site until we re-open? We have been approving, editing and scoffing at the stuff you’ve sent in before we closed the submissions, so some of the content is vaguely new. Remember, submissions appear on the site under the date you sent them, not the date we approved them, so if you sent something in January, it’ll be in the January bit. Or it’ll have been smeared with meat paste and fed to the leopard.

Anyway, we are STILL on holiday, and I am not in fact here. This is all in your imagination. I’m on a beach in Mauritius with your mum, drinking Long Island Ice Tea and painting each others toenails. Susan. x

"Re-opening on the first of June" he says. Well I pooh-pooh that assertion, on the grounds that Log is an oversized manturd with pieces of sweetcorn for eyes. So this is just to let you know that we'll be back in action fondling your naughty bits some time after the first of June. So there.

Hello again. This is to let you know that the backlog is now below one hundred, and that we will be re-opening the submissions page on the first of June. Because we want a break. Because we deserve a break.

I will be using my time to try and house-train a Swan (Gordon loves to shit in my teapot), Phil will making moon-eyes at a hologram of Tony Hart goading an Alsatian, and Susan Tobacco, everyone's favourite matriarchal dominatrix, will be running down a hill with her coat above her head, chomping pills that somehow hover at mouth height.

Come the first of June, we will be back. And stronger than you ever imagined.

The more astute of you (ha, ha - astute sounds like ass-toot, you know, like a trump) will have noticed that the submissions page is currently down.

This is because we had a backlog of nearly 1,000 entries. While we appreciate this, we all have lives. Susan is currently alphabetising her bathroom, Log is and remains a helpless alcoholic, and Phil - well, Phil lives in Canada, for Christ's sake.

So, your patience while we chip away at the backlog - 570 at the time of this message.

Love,
The Team.

(Well, actually it's just Log, but I so desperately want to sound like part of a group of elite people that you want to be.)

It's time for another generic welcome to The Law of the Playground. The one place on the internet where the phrase "hilarity would ensue" is always linked to humiliation and / or agony.

I'm Log, that's Phil, and over there looking blankly at a broken doll is Susan Tobacco. We're your hosts. Read through our dictionary, have a disturbing moment of recall, then tell us about your experiences. We promise not to laugh. Unless you were smelly. Poo, you big smelly.

We had some severe technical fuckery earlier today which can probably be attributed to Log spilling a cup of tea down the back of the server.

While this is neither strictly, nor even remotely, true, it's a lot more interesting that the real reason, which would bore you silly and might even cause your brain to liquefy.

I can't promise that will be the end of our technical problems - like a debutante fluffer, we have the enthusiasm but not necessarily the ability to keep it up.

The only thing it explains, Phil, is why you like to run topless around shopping centres with your index fingers over your nipples shouting "look at me, I play with the big boys now".

But let's not turn the news board into a slanging match. Starting from now, the first person to use the news board to insult someone is a bumbrown.

Actually, Log, I meant "gay" in the Law of the Playground sense of the word. Or don't you read your own dictionary? That would explain a fuck of a lot.

I'm attacking the backlog right now, but the server is occasionally lagsy, sticky, and bad. Here is a few things for you all to bear in mind.

1) People are resubmitting entries that haven't appeared in the list. Rest assured, your stories have been registered - they are either awaiting approval or have been - sadly - rejected. If they have been rejected, it's probably by Susan. She's a ruthless bitch.
2) Please don't type in all caps. It's just plain retarded.
3) Keep entries economical. If an entry needs to be long, then so be it. But if you're just rambling, we'll probably be too irked to bother editing it, and it'll end up in the bin.
4) Try not to start your entry with "IN OUR SCHOOL WE HAD THIS...". It's kinda supposed to be a dictionary.

And Phil - don't tell everyone that Susan's gay. She's only here for the "cwooar, look at the tits on that, er, rabbit" factor. Actually, Susan - would you mind lezzing up for some of the boys on the website?

Welcome.

Contrary to popular belief, we have actually been chipping away at the backlog. Slowly. Gently. And in my case, ruthlessly. Without any ruth whatsover. Sans ruth. I’m Mrs fucking Judgy and if you want your stuff to make the cut, make it funny, ya prannet. Or send it to Log and Phil who might actually give a toss about your feelings. My cold ladyheart knows no mercy.

However don’t assume that because your offering hasn’t made the site yet, it never will. It may well still be cluttering up our inboxes and we’ll get round to reading it after Des and Mel has finished. And please don’t send the same thing more than once, it smacks of neediness.



In the meantime, enjoy the site.

Hugs and Kisses, Susan.xxxxx

It's about time someone round here added a news article, so you can tell that we're still alive and well and taking your submissions.

You'd be forgiven for thinking otherwise, though, considering the backlog of unapproved entries piled up in Log and Susan's inboxes. I've been keeping on top of things and so deserve a gold star. Log and Susan, however, are just gay.

One week and one month in, and the backlog grows. That, in part, is my fault, but it's also your fault, so don't look at me like that.

And that's one thing that's probably worth pointing out; there IS an approval and editing process. So if you write to say "THIS ISN'T FUNNY IT'S JUST A STORY ABOUT A LITTLE GIRL FLYING OUT A WHEELCHAIR", then we'll probably bin it. So shove that up your Harry Ramsden and say cheese for the camera.

Keep them coming, you wee nippers.

24 hours in and the wheels haven't fallen off yet - this is a positive sign.

Some info for those of you who had posted to the old Law of the Playground and want to continue where you left off: get in touch with Log and he'll set you up with a user account so you can log back in as an "existing user".

Welcome to the entirely new (in all but content) version of The Law of the Playground. Now you can log in, submit stories willy-nilly, search, have a little profile, even find people who went to the same school as you (if you don't want to meet the kind of creepy loners who use Friends Reunited). You can do anything, in fact. And I insist that you do.

We went upline and live today, so if you notice anything unusual or wrong, please contact Log.

We also introduce two new members to our team. Phil - the man who made this monster and who lives in Canada for some reason, and Susan Tobacco - a real life girl whose writing skills are surpassed only by Terry Pratchett. And no one else.

You might notice that nearly all existing entries were submitted on the 24 Nov 2002. As far as we're concerned, that's time immemorial. Before 24 Nov 2002, there was nothing. Just... birdsong.