the law of the playground
"the least coherent encyclopaedia of playground insults on the internet"
we agree on only one thing - that Corky the retard out of Life Goes On should be given his own show, where he gets to paw at the dresses of tied-up supermodels.
the bastardometer shows the percentage of entries that a member of the team has rejected from the site. the more entries rejected, the more of a bastard that team member is.
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Don't be an eggy doyler. |
Meet the Team
Welcome to our site. We hope you like us. Well, Log does, but that's because he's neurotic about that sort of thing. The rest of the team couldn't give a toss what you think, and frankly, they're better people for it.
If you want to contact any of the team, you can send us an email.
Enjoy us while we last.
Log
The inspiration behind Carter USM's unforgettable ballad "Sheriff Fat Man", Log was indeed the Master Butcher of Leigh-on-Sea from 1977 to 1983.
Following a five-year tour with the Royal Navy, Log settled down to a life of disappointment until one day in 1997 when he invented the Internet. With his financial independence secured, Log coughed up the world's largest hairball.
Log celebrated his 85th birthday in the year 2003, yet still finds energy every day to massage his 2,000lb Vietnamese Pot-Bellied Pig, Adrian.
Conor
It was in 1887 that Conor made his bid for freedom from the oppression of the workhouse, surviving the next decade by selling pieces of coal and matchbooks on the cruel streets of the London underworld.
In 1944 he won global acclaim by decrypting the Enigma machine and single-handedly turning the tide of the war by stopping the Nazi U-boat dominance of the North Atlantic. Now retired from public life thanks to a canny decision to copyright the word 'pop-sock', Conor spends his time attempting to convince the old bastard with a knife in his local pub that it wasn't him who killed his wife.
Jamie
Behold the Great Satan himself! Jamie's under the impression that he's the Antichrist, and none of us have the guts to tell him he's not - because he is!
After a busy day plotting the demise of Christianity, Jamie is fond of collecting badger pelts from which he knits legwarmers for potted shrimp.
Although rumours that the Hubble Space Telescope has recently spotted Jamie in orbit around Venus are 'unsubstantiated', we can confirm that Jamie's dad did invent the circle, to the delight of gramophone aficionados across the globe.
Mansh
Although leaving school with results so poor that he owed THEM O-Levels, Mansh's career has been varied and, more importantly, better than yours.
Having seen Dyson's bagless vacuum cleaner, Mansh is currently working to emulate its success with the bagless scrotum. He owns his own airline and lives in a fuck off big house.
Despite having lazy sperm, he has three children: international popstar Enrique Inglesias (12), international supermodel Kate Moss (9), and international racing driver Reubens Barichello (4).
Matt
Quite why this person exists is a mystery. His only skills are molesting newts and frenzied gin-soaked self-abuse. He has, however, achieved recognition on Crimewatch after being caught on CCTV giving AIDS to pigeons in Trafalgar Square while disguised as a bag lady on crack.
Phil
Born in Walsall, Phil now lives in Canada because "2,000 miles is the minimum distance everyone should put between themselves and Walsall".
As President of his local chapter of the Cilla Blackalikes, Phil has attended in excess of 3500 fundraisers, and has developed his unhealthy interest in prawnography to "staggering levels". When not dazzling the ladies with his uncanny impersonation of former US President Gerald Ford, Phil likes to relax his bowels.
Phil suffers from a rare genetic condition that prevents him from ever correctly pronouncing the number "sixteen".
Ponky
Fresh from a successful regional tour playing 'Duckie' in Lars von Trier's stage production of Pretty in Pink, Ponky is the most neapolitan member of the Playground crew.
Ladies, be warned; Ponky can smell bacon at a distance of half a mile and has been known to perform amazing feats of contortion to sneak a freshly-crisped rasher from under the nose of an unsuspecting housewife.
When not attending monster truck rallies, Ponky leaves his body to medical science.
Rosy Rockets
With more than a dozen songwriting credits for many of the world's most popular sea shanties, Rosy Rockets can deservedly be called the "Minstrel of the Seas". But it's not all yo-ho-ho in the life of this busy urban socialite; Rosy likes nothing more than to relax with a bowl of hearty home-cooked broth and the French national curling team.
In her previous incarnation as a muse, Rosy Rockets was the inspiration for the Venus di Milo's missing arms.
Susan Tobacco
Susan Tobacco is the most perfect embodiment of womanlitude that ever lived. She is made of sex and cougars and smells like Italian shoes, Elnette hairspray, Shalimar perfume and fags.
Susan's legs are so long that they dominate the globe. She likes velvet couches, turbans, truffles and shouting at the staff whilst wearing marabou trimmed nightwear.
After a humiliating West Country childhood, Susan moved to London to embrace a life of well-dressed hermitude. She lives with a fez-wearing monkey and her collection of cigarette ends.
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