I’m not sure if this is the right place to open up at, but I just have to open up a little bit somewhere right now. I’m really badly depressed. I feel like I have failed completely in my life. I’ve always given completely wrong image about myself to all the people I have been in contact with during my life. This is due to the fact that I’m unbelievably bad in social situations and I’m afraid of being myself except with the people I know really well. I’m socially afraid in places where there are lots of people, like casinos, and I can’t open my mouth.
I feel like everyone is staring at me and talking about me. I am also really bad at getting to know new people, although I would very much like to do that. I’ve been like this all my life and if everything continues like this, I’m always going to be like this. I don’t feel like I want to live anymore. There’s no reason for me to wake up in the morning and I actually often lay on my bed the whole day without doing anything. I am unemployed and I don’t feel like applying for work. My school ended a year ago and since that I’ve spent all my time regretting all my mistakes and feeling sorry about my life that sucks so bad. I don’t think that my friends and close people even know that I’m depressed. I don’t show my depression to anyone. I don’t even want to get help, because no one would be able to understand me and the pain I’m feeling.
Sometimes I have days when I feel like everything is going to get better. More often though I feel like everything is lost and there’s no way out. The thing that annoys me the most is the fact that I have caused all this myself and there’s no one else to blame for it.
I’d like to start my life all over again, fix the countless mistakes I’ve made and use the many opportunities I’ve had and not used during my life. There’s nothing in my life and I feel like I can’t succeed in anything. I fuck everything up. It’s not easy to be me. I suck.
May 13, 2010 Thursday at 2:05 pm