Having cricket shoes that looked like they had been handed down from your Victorian ancestors guaranteed you the nickname of bearded cricket legend WG Grace. If your name was Clive that is. An "accurate" replica of Grace's signature was then stencilled permanently on to both shoes and a new chant created of 'glasses, teeth and beard', continued indefinitely. The glasses and teeth bit were from Clive's own milk bottle and ivory features, the beard WG Grace's.

This game involved a gang of people holding me down while someone drew huge sideburns in permament pen on my face just before the teacher came into class.

They got to draw sideburns on my face, I got to spend 45 minutes cleaning my face instead of doing RE. Sweet game.

This diagram, taken from the Silver Service manual, illustrates three of the most essential elements of waitressing.

1. Give the customer their food immediately upon their arrival.
2. While they are eating their food, show them the menu.
3. Everything is ten pounds.

A process involving one victim, one person sitting on the victim's chest, and two people walking in opposite directions with the victim's legs.

Recommended by ALL teachers as the perfect anti-bullying method. But when I tried it, the cunt spat on my neck.

Basis of the bullying of Anthony Loucaides. We would jeer, point and kick him, whilst singing The Police song. When we sang "What's it like walking on the moon?" we would all then ruffle his hair. This would usually provoke a brutally violent response on his part as he lashed out wildly with wind-milling arms screaming "I don't know; I've never been there". In hindsight, this was an adequate and fair response. It did not prevent further puerile brutality however.

Strange. I always thought I had rather enjoyed my school days. Perhaps I'm just repressing those terrible memories.

Matt King? Is this the Matthew King whose entire sexual experience during his school years was with Stuart Hoskins on a snooker table? Surely he can come up with a better character assassination than this over a decade after I spread that rumour.

Well, Matt? Did you do it with Stuart Hoskins on a snooker table? Are you Stuart Hoskins and was he any good? The LotP team would like to hear from you. Ponky

A way of demonstrating how hard and/or stupid you are. At ours, it started off quite mildly but soon escalated t o the stage where the wall was being thumped so hard that shards of brick were falling off, and kids would come in to lessons with blood pouring from their knuckles. This was largely tolerated by the teachers and went on for some while until some kids hit on the idea of using their heads instead of their fists.

Also consider Locker Nutting, (headbutting a locker to non-English readers).

Quite painless if you hit the middle of the door, and you look pretty hard to boot. Rendered all the funnier when Paul Murphy asked the whole class to watch him do it then nutted the frame between lockers, making him cry like a gay baby.

Note to amateur locker-nutters: If the locker door falls off after repeated nuttings, don't feel compelled to throw it out of a second floor window, narrowly missing the caretaker's head. Maustin did this and is probably still in detention aged 26.

1982 film starring Ian McKellen as Walter, a mentally handicapped man. This was the first film to be shown on Channel 4 in England. Highlights include;

"on his first night in a mental hospital, he is sexually molested by a paraplegic dwarf"

"Finding his mother dead in bed, and unable to comprehend what has happened, Walter moves his pigeons into her bedroom, keeping a vigil while her body becomes progressively covered in bird droppings"

Walter became synonymous with Joey Deacon.

Here's the imdb link - why not submit a review? We'll be watching that page... Christ, you can buy it, too!

An afternoon gathering place for boys in the early stages of masturbation exploration, in which they could sit and toss off save in the knowledge that girls rarely went to Wangas. Wangas was a big plot of wasteland near our school, and the tree a big, slightly collapsed Oak. If you sat in the tree you had to wank to the point of ejaculation otherwise you couldn't get down. The tree had an established hierarchy, the better you were at wanking, the higher in the tree you wanked. Therefore, you were less likely to be hit by anything flying out above you. One kid (Steven McIntyre) was really popular in our class, thanks to his hard Army brother, but fell down the wanking order after he claimed to have spunked, when in actuality he had just secreted a mixture of piss and precum. Dirty liar.

Pretending to wank followed by flicking the wrist, and the imaginary ejaculate, to one side. As you do this, say "oops!", as though ejaculating is the last thing on your mind when you're having a wank. The first time the "oops" variant was used was in a PE lesson. The bollockings and detentions lent it such bonus kudos that it caught on very quickly.

Will generate instant kudos if said - quickly - in place of "Thank You Very Much" to a figure of authority.

On similar lines (but not as rude, so resulting in less kudos points), is "Hairy Muff" or "Fairy Muff" said in place of "Fair Enough". - Matt Fasham

Excrement point Matt, truly excrement. - The Boy Tucker

A handkerchief set aside for exclusive wanking use. Also "spunky wankerchief" - a freshly used wankerchief. A hanky used after a single badly-planned wank, and then returned to normal handkerchief duties, is not a wankerchief.

Make a fist, hold it up in front of you.

"What's this?" you ask your victim.

"I don't know!" they reply.

"Wanker's cramp!" you respond, continuing with "Do you get it?"

"Haha! Yes!" they gleefully reply.

"Do you get it a lot? You must be a wanker! Wanker, wanker, wanker!" Victory is yours.

Boy X: "What's five pax plus five pax?"
Boy Y: "Ten pax?"
Boy X: "Do you get it?"
Boy Y: "Er... Yes. Yes I do."

By trying desperately not to look stupid, 'Y' has made a fatal error in admitting that he buys Tampax. 'Y' has also acknowledged that he is gay, and that once a month, he has a period out his arse.