After stupidly letting on that, in fact, I, Paul, really did have birdshit on my finger, the games name was shouted by every person in earshot. An impromptu game of it! begins, and I had to wipe it on someone so as to a birdshit covered sympathiser, or, if lucky, change the name of the game to uh! [someone elses name] has got birdshit on their coat!

An unbelievably manly game devised by a group of friends during one of many uneventful PE lessons. It involved throwing a stone into the air and waiting, face up, for it to come back down. The aim was to "catch" it on your forehead.

Damien broke his tooth and started crying. The rubbish baby.

Finding a tampon (easier at a time when period party bags have been handed out), soak it thoroughly in red ink, and tie to the spoke of your victim's umbrella. When he opens it up, the tampon will swing and slap around, dripping its cargo on the child's clothes and head until he looks up and - hopefully - screams like a prize bitch.

If you have more time on your hands, put one on every spoke, like a grisly cork hat.

Any boy so fucking pompous as to own an umbrella deserves to briefly believe he has menses on his face.

Chorused, often in crescendo, at anyone breaking those petty primary school rules such as underlining the date but not the title. "Ummmmm, I'm telling of yooooou."

You could escape being told on by shouting BUM loudly while the 'ummmmm' was still going on, and before the rest started.

Doing it in lessons was a calculated gamble on which would get you into less trouble - being told on, or shouting 'bum'.

A household brand scribbled in the back of a Physics book which, upon inception, managed to throw my friend Danny into fits of tearful laughter for an hour. No-one else has ever laughed at it since.

Readers! Do you have a memory that only you find funny? Why not tell the world, so you can tell as many people who probably won't find it funny as you possibly can?

"Masai Cattle"

The oft-repeated phrase that would make Nigel Burrows… and only Nigel Burrows… weep with laughter. The source of merriment was a Geography textbook photo showing a herd of the skinniest, saddest cows anyone had ever seen. The Masai, of course, use cows as currency so will own as many as possible, regardless of their near-death condition.

Get ready and hold on to your sides, boys and girls.

Whilst playing in my back garden, a friend and I discovered that my garden shed was locked with a padlock made by a lock manufacturer called Plumbob. Finding this highly amusing, we hid behind my garden gate and shouted "PLUMBOB!" at people walking down the path on the other side. We soon grew tired of this, however and went inside to play on the Acorn Electron.

Slightly imaginative name for wedgies, or chadding. A cross between Uncle Fester and Vesta packet meals. Uncle Vesta went on to host a series of Gory Stories. We never wrote the Gory Stories, but we did enjoy saying "Uncle Vesta's Gory Stories" in low voices.

If you nick a pound coin off someone, and put it on top of a prittstick in the middle of the table, they will never find it. Ever.

Technically, this theory has only been tested once, on Hardeep. But it worked; he spent an entire science lesson growing more and more furious with us for hiding his pound coin. We spent the entire lesson laughing ourselves daft and staring blatantly at the shiny pound coin sitting proudly atop the prittstick in plain view.

Tasteless n' racist badges made by a fat child in Stoke on Trent in the 1980's. They were to commemorate the tragic accidental death of dozens of asians by a chemical leak from the union carbide plant in Bhopal.

A film studied during our GCSE English Literature course, which contained an inexplicable 10 second sex scene. None of us knew how it added to the plot or imagery of the film, although we were all eager to reference it in our essays. "No one was very good at maths because sir kept having sex scenes," for example.

Lipase in an enzyme which is used in digestion to break down fat. It was whilst trying to help Stephanie lose weight by dousing her in lipase, that I found out that such behaviour was dangerous, childish, and a form of bullying. By this uncharitable interpretation, my teacher would have said that Gandhi was "just showing off".

I pointed out to the teacher the unfairness of saying "you shouldn't spray Stephanie with lipase", then applying that rule with retrospective effect to punish me. But again, this apparently wasn't arguing for the rule of law in a democracy, it was "being gobby", and "landing myself in more hot water".

Two kids sit at their table, one kid jumps out of his chair and shouts "UPPA" in a high pitched voice, the other kid simply says "dine" in a low voice. Can, and did, culminate with a different child shouting "DIE YOU OLD PISSRUG BITCH" at the top of his voice. The piss-rug combination was insurmountable. She left and died.

5318008 : Boobies
55378008 : Boobless
7100553 : Esso Oil
71077345 : Shell Oil
37183045 : Shoe Bile
45084518 : Bish Bosh

Once upon a time, '7' men paid '1' pound for a hole in the ground ('0'). No-one could see the point ('.') of this, but the '7' men became millionaires within '7' nights. How? Well, '3' of the men built a drilling machine above the hole, whilst the other '4' made it work. By '5' o'clock, the men had discovered something. Do you know what it is yet?

Turn the calculator upside down to amaze the whole class.

Alternatively, just type '0.7734', turn your digital calculator upside down and continuously tap the classmate in front of you until he/she is forced to turn around and read the amusing message.

53450106: Goloshes

Essentially not as fun as the others, but I invented it myself.

(*cough*lamer*cough* Aw that's BRILLIANT Alistair! Susan. x)

60436034 - Hedgehog.

Shown to me in a fit of glee by a girl who had given herself the nickname 'Hedgehog'. That was the kind of thing that qualified as exciting at my school.

The world famous Boobless can be adapted into a personal attack on Deborah's chest, if you have a second calculator.

55318008 5318830