This is what our African geography teacher seemed to be saying when he was trying to tell us about ox-bow lakes.

He may have mistaken our keenness for actual interest in the subject. However, all we really wanted to hear was a teacher saying 'ox bollocks' over and over again.

We had a Japanese assistant in Geography who taught us about "arse cakes". Plate tectonics have never been so pantwettingly hilarious.

Imagine how our Italian lecturer would say the molecular biology term 'Beta sheet'.

Our attractive French assistante, Sandrine was frequently asked to talk in English about how much she loved 'the beach'.

But she got off lightly compared to Miguel, the Spanish assistant, who, incredibly, was twice duped into asking us about our imaginary friend, 'Juan Kerr'.