Conan-Doyle's unfortunate but amusing way of saying that Sherlock Holmes said something. To be uttered with sudden loudness during a dreary reading in English class.

Similarly, "A Terribly Strange Bed" by Wilkie Collins, which we read sometime in Year 9, contains the unforgettable line;

"he solemnly ejaculated 'coffee!'"

We spent some time wondering why the speaker was so solemn about his super human caffeine ejaculatory abilities. Experiments with the consumption of raw coffee in an attempt to duplicate this feat failed, but we did manage to stay up and watch Prisoner Cell Block H.

In Henerick Ibson's play Hedda Gabler, there is a shady charcter called Brack, who is not content to declare "oh yes i am fond of the back passage", but immediately follows it up with "the back passage is very useful".

It was 15 minutes into class, and we all had to be let out early.

I'm also fairly sure that in one of the Sherlock Holmes books, he ejaculates in his front room whilst he has a guest, who returns both of her hands to her muff in disgust. I'm sure it's in one of the books, I just cant remember which one.

On the subject of great literary ejaculations, it is rumoured that Jesus' last words in some prints of the Bible were "I come too quickly." Can anyone verify this? - I cant be bothered...

Well, can anyone verify this? We can't be bothered either.

Hello again. King of Google here.

According to Luke 23:46, the last words of Christ were, in fact, "Father, into your hands I commit my spirit." Which is a bit rude, if you try hard.

Here be links.

Note: don't Google "I come too quickly" when you're at work and have a draconian information security team.

These are the closest quotes I could find, in "The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes". In The Red Headed League, "I ejaculated after I had twice read over the extraordinary announcement."

Then, later on, in A Case Of Identity, "She pulled a little handkerchief out of her muff and began to sob heavily into it."

Sterling academic research there, young Jim. Bravo.

I very much wanted this to be true, BUT:

1) I could not be bothered to leaf through the entire Bible

2) I do not own one

HOWEVER as 30% of the Internet consists of American Christians, I thought a quick Google search would settle the matter. Here are the helpful, and conclusive results.

From "The Thirty Nine Steps" by John Buchan: "They were all on me at once, and the policeman took me in the rear. I got in one or two good blows, for I think, with fair play, I could have licked the lot of them, but the policeman pinned me behind, and one of them got his fingers on my throat."

"Crime and Punishment" by Dostoyevsky features a hen party novelty biscuit destined to scare children. Let it not be said that the Russians are a dour and humourless lot.

'Just fancy, Rodion Romanovitch, we found a gingerbread cock in his pocket. He was coming home dead drunk, but he did not forget the children.'

'A cock? Did you say a cock?' the gentleman from the commissariat cried.

Should your English class wish to recreate this scene, may we humbly suggest the fantastically named Masturbakers as a possible source of phallic fingerfoods? Alternatively, if you bite the arms off a classic gingerbread man, the results will be more than sufficient to cause aunties everywhere to blush.

Hermann Melville's always hilarious Moby Dick contains a special treat for anyone who manages to make it past the first hundred and four chapters without going mental.

A description of a successful whaling ship in chapter 105 ends: "…indeed everything was filled with sperm, except the captain's pantaloons pockets, and those he reserved to thrust his hands into, in self- complacent testimony of his entire satisfaction."

And if you don't believe me, look here.