The joyless track elements of the Track & Field set. Ranging from a short and relatively painless 100m to the soul-crushing infinity of the 1500m, the emphasis on different pacing techniques did little to hide the fact that you were just running in a world where technology had long made running inefficient and unnecessary.

At 100m, the idea was to simply sprint the whole distance. For some this proved to be a matter of bounding heroically - for others of heavier gait, some ethereal custard would drag at our legs. Frustrating when you try your hardest and come last, so you have to feign an effortless defeat. Which is difficult when you can taste blood in your neck.

200m : Also a sprint event; so twice as many children end up red faced at the end. If the fat kid actually did sprint this one, instead of galumphing along in the oblivious lumber of the stubbornly unfit, he was prone to vomiting.

400m : The four hundred metres was the shortest track event to involve a measure of pacing yourself. The fact that you didn't have to sprint with your fingers splayed out like cocktail sticks stuck into a potato was amply counterbalanced by the fact you were running twice as fucking far.

800m : On a course that is a 300m circle, as was ours, this distance allows for the humiliation of "lapping". Watching the sport billies sail past and honking their disdain was irritating enough, but they would also sit down at the finish line and slow applaud the late arrivals.

1500m : Certainly the most annoying race from the mathematical point of view, falling pointlessly short of the 1600m that would have made a perfect geometric progression. After five laps of the 300m circle, it was more than a division between fast, slow and comical. Some would be lapped once, some lapped twice or more. Those getting lapped only once would secretly look down on those getting lapped more often; although they couldn't openly ridicule them, as Sport Billies are very territorial about bullying. The 1500m event would essentially boil down to the entire group watching the extremely unfit and obese kid do the last two laps on his own. A genuine Slim Fast moment.

Role-playing shorthand for rolling three six-sided dice, generating a number between 3 and 18. You use this to generate your "stats" when your character is being created. On no accounts use this term in the real world. People outside your circle of escapist victim friends will not be understanding. Also, never point out that one dice is a die, actually. There's enough bullying without formally asking to be punched.

Incidentally, can anyone explain to me the shorthand difference between 2d10 generating a number between 2 and 20 (addition) and a number between 1 and 100 (taking one die as tens, one as units, double zero as 100)? Actually, if you can remember, something's probably wrong, and I'd rather you didn't contact me. Shoo. Get out.

Oh, and thanks to the many (four) people who have told be that the correct notation is 1d100, and that there was actually a one hundred sided die for this very purpose, resembling a golf ball. Now, I want you to tell me the name of this shape.

A girl's retort to any insult, along the lines of "what you say is what you are", or "I know you are, you said you are, so what am I?". In use;

Bully : Elaine, you scabby thighed fat bitch!
Elaine : A bit like you, really.

This is only a partial reflection, however, leaving the bully open to say this;

What, just a bit like me? Do you mean I'm scabby-thighed but not fat? Or that I'm scabby-thighed AND fat, but just not as much as you? Either way, you just admitted that you are a scabby-thighed fat bitch, and I'm telling the headmaster.

This is a comment on the entry by ian henderson. i think you should take it off your site. it is not funny, but offensive, sneering and discriminatory.

Thank you.

Sorry, no. Hugs and kisses, from Log.

Adidas bags can be doctored so that the logo is an acrostic for;

all day I dream about sex

after dinner I do a shit

a dirty indian did a shit

arse dicking is dangerous after supper

For double deedas, try;

a dirty indian did a shit and did it down a sewer

My name is Tony Lord. I'm gay. Help.

If they ever develop a way to determine sexuality in the womb, I'm not suggesting that everyone should have the option to terminate their bent baby, just people with the surname Lord. It's not fair on the child.

Oh, and Norton - although that might be locking the stable door after the horse has bolted.

Also amusingly stands for Arse Injected Death Sentence. Combined with Gay standing for Got AIDS Yet?, I'm surprised the term GAIDSY was never embraced by the homosexual community like "queer" and "faggot" have been.

When someone discovers this book, and manages to get past the relatively slow beginning, delight can be had from reading the filthiest passages (in particular, the famous rodent/vagina incident) to the more shy children. They will generally leave the room by the time he's sliced off the nipples and fucked the decapitated skull.

(Editor's note : Avoid the chapters which go into an in-depth appraisal of the careers of Whitney Houston and Genesis. They will generally not shock.)

The name of a mystical pornographical film, in which a man makes love to a chicken, and a woman is taken by a horse. Someone's brother had a copy, of course, but if you all ran around their house, all 200 of you, and piled into their bedroom, they'd have lent it to someone. Someone from another school who was even older, who wouldn't give it back until you'd all found out about WASP, and started singing "I Fuck Like A Beast", and couldn't care less about men shagging chickens anymore. This all seems quite old hat, now that 4 year olds are getting emailed videos of wanking monkeys and men running their heads into an elephant's fanny. Porn just isn't sacred anymore.

An alternate name for the windowlickers who often have their special lessons in an annexe. The mong migration can be observed with an Attenborough-esque sobriety.

Associative device used primarily to link an unsuccessful caricature to the name of the intended lampoonee, in situations where the talents of the caricaturist are insufficient to render the drawing recognisable on its own merits. If that sounded like a crock of shit, try the masterclass.

Said to put the willies up someone who has broken the rules. The "arrrrrrrr" is followed by the name, form, and any other identifying details of the transgressor, followed by a brief description of the naughtiness and moral judgment from the speaker. Can be within earshot of a teacher. For instance, "arrrrrrrr, Jonathan Lee Blyth, 2C1, of 108 Weaverthorpe Road, you're sniffing glue, that's so naughty". I did get told off for sniffing glue, with two friends. We were sniffing a fucking Pritt Stick. However, between the girl who saw us and said "arrrrrrrr", the form teacher, and the headmaster, that crucial detail was forgotten. The headmaster showed us pictures of a dead boy.

I'm more inclined to think that this is a reference to the gay phenomenon of glory holes, where gay man stick their willies through holes in toilet walls and another man hops on in whatever fashion he fancies. Sometimes there are drawings around glory holes that make it look like your willy is an anteater's nose. This isn't very erotic for the man who is sucking it off, so he might put his bum on it instead.

This is how I understand glory holes, by Log.

Irrelevant but effective comment that can alter the swing of an argument radically. Diddy : You're not very good at the High Jump. Log : Well, at least my mum's not in a wheelchair. Diddy's mum was in a wheelchair, by the way. Low.

Yelled by a victim immediately after a strike to the testicles.

However, it takes the balls four seconds to switch from “spunk and fuck” mode to “Christ, that hurts” mode. So genuine testicle pain begins some time after the strike, leaving the poor man precious seconds of hope before the nausea, agony and red piss starts.

So, why the immediate awwwww!? Two possible reasons – it’s either a desolate wail of the man who foresees his immediate future, and sees that it is bad. Or, they’re filthy eunuchs who’ve never known the true agony of the thwacked nut.

Girls! Think you have an equivalent pain to the white thud of the smashed bollock? Speaking on behalf of the boys, I don’t think so. Convince me otherwise for a prize!

Someone who has been circumcised. Effective, because people generally wonder what the hell the person's getting at. The punchline, "I've been cut off", generally pleases.

Baby Babylon was the name given to an appealing BusyBody character. BusyBodies were like chunkier, friendlier Lego people, with infinitely more convincing hats. Baby Babylon became the mascot for a range of cleaning products.

He was later joined by The Poo With The Flaxen Hair, who had this theme tune;

The Poo with the Flaxen Hair,
The Poo with the Flaxen Hair,
They seek him here, they seek him there,
The Poo with the Flaxen Hair.

And also Megaslap, who was the only thing I could draw. You can see this wholesome trio here.