AIDS can also stand for....

"Adios, Infected Dick Sucker!" Chuck in a Speedy Gonzales impersonation and you're away.

Lois Alderson was convinced that it was possible to catch AIDS by eating a sandwich that had been stored in a cracked tupperware lunchbox.

Apparently what Christopher Rose had for his dinner. Every. Single. Day.

Despite being a great believer in brevity, this entry is a bit short, even for me. What method was used to apply the AIDS to the toast? How did it taste? How many slices did Christopher eat? Mark your entries: 'I have a fucking doctorate in AIDS on toast and ye shall heed me'. Ta.

The older of us remember that aiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeee! is actually the noise made in the ace Commando books by the evil scheming Germans as they got utterly shot by the square-jawed Brits. The only other words the Germans uttered were 'Actung Spitfeur', 'Hande Hoche', 'Englander Schwein' and 'Gott in Himmel'.

That Germans made such a vowel-heavy nasal whine in their death throes made them big wet pansies. A stout Englishman dying in the field would bellow "WHOOAARGGGHH". In days of heavier casualties, it was like being trapped in the Brian Blessed dimension.

(Further discussion here. Good grief. - Log)

Start of a Muslim chant. Teachers and Muslim pupils react badly if it is sung to the tune of 'Everybody Dance Now' by C&C Music Factory.

Sorry to crash your entry darlin’, but even us mighty editors can’t submit new stories while the backlog remains so big. (It’s my only motivation for wading through most of the fliddy tat we get sent, I can tell you.) (Just joshing, Log thinks it’ll sex up the site a bit if I’m all stern and authoritative. Fucking perv.) Anyway, our school consisted of about two hundred white kids and one black girl. The teachers were afraid to ask her what sort of "black" she was, in case they looked racist, so to play it safe they got us to learn about all the other religions in the world that weren’t Anglo-Saxon, the better to acclimatise her to our culture. This culminated in an RE lesson where we were told to split up and write a song about one religion per group. Our group came up with the wildly popular "S.I.K.H". Sung to the tune of YMCA, it went:

S.I.K.H, it’s fun to be an S.I.K.H/
You can worship five Ks/
Wear a turban on your head/
If you don’t want to do that, be a Jew instead, S.I.K.H…

If memory serves correct I played the letter H. -Susan.

The letter 'H'? Were you a popular girl?

For passive partners in gay relationships who wish to avoid being made gay by the experience of constant passive sex, you can avoid being gay by not pushing yourself back onto the penis. Also try not to make too many enjoying-it noises.

Baby frogs strike amusing limbs-at-full-stretch "Kate Bush" poses when they jump from ones hand and land delicately into a fresh cup of tea.

In the late 80's there was a weekly, Captial radio phone-in about personal/sexual problems. It featured self-appointed sexagonal-aunt Anna Raeburn, and a Doc. Essential listening for all 16 year olds eager to learn about loving relationships, Or the eye-watering ins and outs of butterballing.

One night, Adam Wright was the anonymous caller. After the tragic death of his mother, his dad was forcing him to do the housework. Wearing her frocks and perfume.

As things worsened, he was urging young Adam to pay particularly close attention to the bedroom. In order to show him some fundamentally incorrect love.

Adam was gulping and fighting back tears throughout, and so moving was the concern of Anna and the Doc, that Adam didn't have the heart to tell them - even when his mother called him down for tea - that they'd just been fished in by a fuck-minded teenager.

The TDK D90 containing this conversation was a treasured artefact for many weeks.

Song about Anne, sung to the tune of 'Consider Yourself' from 'Oliver':

Anne fingers herself,
At home.
Anne fingers herself,
In front of the family.
She wanked off a horse,
At the farm.
Its clear,
She,
Didn't do any harm.

Not to be confused with 'Annie's Song' by John Denver. In THAT one she wanks off a pony.

Previously, the only kids who got to watch a film in the main hall were the big ones going to secondary school the next September. So when we were told we were watching a film that afternoon, we reckoned it was the sex-education one we had been discussing since moving from infants to juniors (specifically discussing if there were willies in it or not). But it wasn't. It was a farm safety film, the action cutting between between a bunch of Children’s Film Foundation types playing hide-and-seek on a farm, and a crying mum making a party tea. Except the playing kids all died one by one (one drank weedkiller by accident, one drowned in silage, one got run over by a tractor) and mum was getting ready for a wake. It put us all right off willies.

The tube of a cotton reel neatly accommodates a pencil. Loop a thick elastic band over the bobbin (fnuff!), pull back the rubber (phraa!), and you can fire the pencil out at puncturing speeds.

If the idea of launching a sharpened pencil into someone's face and eye causes you some concern, simply launch the entire school pencil supply into a polystyrene ceiling.

If anyone asks where you got a ladylike thing such as a cotton reel, answer "I stole it off a gay". If they ask why you are stealing things from gays, reply "to better know mine enemy".

The caption of a grisly doodle or the cry accompanying a re-enactment of an excruciatingly painful demise. Represents "Arrrgh Pain!" interrupted by death.

The time-honoured 'giving somebody a sweet that has previously been inserted in your arse' trick had become so tired, that no one would ever accept a sweet from our gang. Then one day, we came up with this variation.

The boiled sweet was passed around a group of about nine of us, all of whom rubbed it around inside our cracks before it was carefully rewrapped. The next person that walked into the room was subsequently invited to participate in a beautifully choreographed game of 'scrambles'.

Havoc followed and the sweet changed hands many times before the victim finally emerged triumphant, and with a bummy, shit-flavoured sweet in his mouth. He genuinely believed that we wanted that sweet - I still remember the look of pride on his face at having won.

Any sentence beginning with "I said" can be adjusted, with only minor tinkering, to sound like "Arsehead". This is, of course, funny. Arsehead!

However, if your friend doesn't quite hear you saying "four quid", a golden window opens, and you can say "arsehead fuckwit". This is such a rare occurence, that you should celebrate by running around your victim six times, pulling an imaginary trucker's chain, and going "HOOOONK".

Sung in the dinner hall between courses:

Arsehole, arsehole, a soldier I shall be,
To piss, to piss, two pistols at my knees,
Fuck you, fuck you, for curiosity,
Fight for my cunt, fight for my cunt, fight for my counnnnn-tryyyyyy.

Caused many a detention. I wonder why?

An alternative ending was "Fight for the Queen's cunt, fight for the Queen's cunt, fight for the Queen's cunt-ree". Some people think that this scans better and is funnier because it's got the Queen's cunt in it. It's all a matter of perspective, really.

Should the present Monarch pass away, this song will not be rendered obsolete. Simply switch your allegiance to the new head of state by changing the last two lines to:

"Fucking and cunt, Fucking and cunt, Fucking and Cunt-er-ee!"

And thus a new generation gets to savour the taste of illicit playground swears.

I swear someone said this to me as a comeback to a "your momma" joke but to this day I have no clue what he meant...

'Yeah, well you're ugly and your mum dresses you funny' was a popular retort to the pronoucement that your dad is gay. The small yet significant flaw is that it does not of course deny that your dad is a homosexualist, but in fact almost seems to confirm it.

Nah, but you soon fuckin' will be was the retort, followed by the kthudkthudkthud noise that only a pupil cartwheeling down the flag stone stairs can make.

Happy days indeed.