Could also be used in various electrical chain stores (at least in the days before password protected screen savers), where the kids knew more about the computers than the assistants; i.e., all of them.

It's a well known fact that every time you get hit in the head, you lose 10,000 brain cells.

A 1984 experiment to test the efficacy of the claim yielded conclusive proof that it is indeed true. As Sam set about repeatedly hitting precocious upstart Andrew between the eyes, Andrew replied in his excruciating matter-of-fact way "No, no Sam. You've got to hit me much harder than that."

The inevitable ensued.

Also the amount of time required to shag Jenny Evans 'round the back of the sportshall after school.

Our school had pull-back partition walls separating some rooms. When we were upstairs in French, we used to throw planes down at a class diagonally below us. Their teacher usually went bananas at us but one day as a plane was slowly wafting down towards her, she looked up sharply and her left breast fell out of her dress. She didn't notice. Her entire class did. She ended up having a nervous breakdown.

Even better, if you blue tack one of those plastic craft knives into the fold down the centre of the aeroplane, so that the blade protrudes from the front of the aircraft, it becomes a highly accurate and lethal weapon of terror that will easily lodge into walls, blackboards, flesh etc.

Please don't try this at home, school or anywhere else.

(Unless you think it would be really funny, of course -Susan.)

When Mr Craig asks you to 'parse' part of a Latin sentence, you must reply with this answer. Mr Craig will then mutter "Oh, God" and put his head in his hands before weeping quietly.

Here follows a counterpoint to the complaints we have received regarding this submission. Obviously, this person is not a spokesperson for the entire disabled community, and as this is the internet, we don’t know if they even "really are" a disabled (there may be a give-away in the use of the phrase "step down from my soapbox"*) but they do make an interesting point.

*Oh what a shit joke. Sorry. Um, I only put it in to "test" you. Please don’t run over my hands with your wheelchair, if you are one of the wheelchair ones. Xx

Excellent story Ian. As a disabled person nothing angers me more than do-gooders moaning about stories like these. It's hangovers like them that make decisions like having children in wheelchairs pushed at speed on running tracks.

If something is funny and it happened, that’s life, live with it, it's the PC society that has been created today by moaning, do-gooder muppets that makes living in the UK today like living in a totalitarian state. Shut your faces and let people live their lives and laugh, life's too f*****g short.

I now step down from my soapbox.

after dinner I did a shit,
(then backwards)
soon after desert I did another

all day I deserve a sexual (rubbing) - this version addresses the underused (R) registered trademark symbol.

A Dildo Inserted Deeply Adds Stimulation. I was very proud of that one.

Then you can do it backwards, and in your dad's apartment...

sex all day in dad's apartment

after diarrhoea I detest anal sex... whether as giver or receiver is left to the imagination.

it's the acronym that keeps on giving:

all day I drink animal spunk

Well with mine being Richard William Lowe - Dick Willie Lowe :-(

Also consistently staggering is the inappropriate naming of a child as Richard with certain surnames. Hare, Spray, Spring, Lovatt are just four of the ones I know, and that's not even counting the hilarious Jasper Carrott "Richard Dick aka Double Dick" routine. Yes, I know it's old stuff, but if it's good enough for King Carrott, it's good enough for The Law of the Fucking Playground.

We had a games teacher called Richard Head. Really.

proof is here.

My friend's name was Clint Walker. You've probably already guessed, but with a couple of quick pen strokes, you have Cunt Wanker.

Every school year was a dash to steal his books from his bag, administer these pen strokes, then politely return the books.

Alan West is an easy anagram of Anal Stew, if you're lucky enough to know an Alan West.

A boy at my school was called Paul Hiscock.

Now why would his mum and dad do that? I cannot believe for one minute thay didn't try the two names together at some point before the Christening and go "oh, better not", which means it must have been deliberate. That's nothing short of child abuse in my book.

Could have been worse. They could have called him 'Aaron'. - Matt

Is Sillitoe pronounced 'silly toe', I wonder?