Morvern went to Mr Taylor to tell him that she couldn't do swimming that day as her period had started. While in the middle of this interview, Jenny also appeared to beg off swimming for the same reason. He spent a few minutes doing a baffled double-take at the both of them, before spluttering "But you can't both have it on the same day!"

Mr "Sumo" Taylor is married, and has produced children.

If you poo yourself during PE, simply run to the toilet and clean yourself. Don't, as Martin Watts did, spend long, visible, seconds trying to somehow push the poo back into your anus, looking agonised, before explaining - out loud - that you have done a poo, and have been trying to push the poo somehow back into your anus.

The inclination not to attack an easy target, remember, does not occur in children.

Having managed to buy a copy of Viz from a newsagent who didn't realise it was rude, I took it to school to impress people.

It was promptly confiscated by a P.E. teacher who, at the end of the day, gave it back with a grin and an angerless "you little scamp" tousle of my hair.

Within a second of him turning around, the other P.E. teacher confiscated it and kept it for an entire week.

How come one P.E. teacher managed to struggle through it in the course of only a single day, whilst the other took a week to mouth-breath his way through it?

Top 5 Reasons it might take a PE teacher a week to read Viz:

1. His fists are so clenched with perpetual rage that he has to turn the pages clumsily with his knuckles.
2. Every time he gets a joke, he has to take it to his girlfriend and say "that naughty cos the man dun poo wen he sed he wuddunt".
3. He spent three days staring at the Vibrating Bum-Faced Goats before deciding it didn't make him want to wank.
4. In a moment of hungry confusion, he ate the Viz, and it took him a week to buy another because "doing things is like riddles".
5. He stupid.

Mr W. summoned the school football team one lunchtime for the first training session. Attendance was poor, and getting annoyed at this, he launched into a diatribe, haranguing those of us who actually showed up.

Mr. W: "Listen, if you're not going to put the effort in, it's not worth even having a team."
Me: "Uh, Mr. W, we are here, it's the others who need to know this."
Mr. W (un-derailed by mere relevance): "I've put so much effort in, and for you not to show up is a sign of disrespect."
Me: "No, but we did show up."

Mr. W continued in this vein for some time. No wonder he was only a P.E. teacher.

Run to the wall and back: I can't be arsed. Run to the wall and back.

Basketball : Any self regulating sport doesn't really need a teacher watching it - sit in the staff room and let the little bastards sort it out themselves. Maintain a professionalism by occasionally nipping in, blowing a whistle, and shouting a random surname.

The twelve minute run : A peculiar form of pointlessness, inflicted by PE teachers. At least once a year, we were made to run round and round the PE hall for twelve minutes. How many times each person got round was recorded, for no very apparent reason. having been worst in my class several times in a row, the PE teacher asked me concernedly if I smoked. I didn't, I was just very bad at running.

Open gym, leave the equipment room unlocked, get the teacher's assistant to do attendance then leave the class to its own devices, getting paid for sitting in the P.E. office with the door locked looking at porn for an hour and a half.

The teacher got more exercise than we did.

The Fun Run.

The Fun Run involved running around the perimeter of the school grounds. It was nearly identical to the much more joyless cross-country running. However, as our teacher was canny enough to call it the Fun Run, we enjoyed ourselves immensely.

If you can't be arsed to even stand and blow a whistle every now and then, why not assign the two most annoying and unpopular kids to referee a basketball match? It'll give them a little taste of power, bless, and will result in them getting pulped in the changing rooms by the losing team.

One team wins, one team gets to hit someone, and one bullied boy gets the whiff of authority that will drive him in adult life to start a corporation that menaces old ladies out of their homes so he can build a car park. Until that old woman works out how to reach the A-Team, at which point he'll cop a cabbage in the chops.

Everyone's a winner!

Catch 22 : Are you a PLP? Say yes, and you're a public leaning post. Say no, and you're denying that you're a perfectly lovely person. Why you would want to do that is beyond me.

The public leaning post interpretation only really works at full effect on shorter people.

For taller victims, use the slightly more rubbish proper living person. Or just don't bother.

Also; piece of lavatory paper.

This baffles me. You could choose any three word insult, and say - are you a HRL? Then say - ha ha, you're a hairy rectum licker! Or, what, you're not a highly regarded lover?, depending on their answer.

There aren't three letters you couldn't do it to. XQZ - Xenophobic Queer Zoophile or Xtrasexy Quad-Speed Zazzmerchant?

So why was there so much focus on PLP? Is there a proper meaning for it? And while I'm at it, that second entry makes no sense, because you're changing the answer to a NO response, when it's only when they answer YES that the person's height becomes material.

This whole entry is shrouded in befuddlement from start to finish. Except for piece of lavatory paper, which is bummy.

(Update from Richard Edwards - I'm almost positive it's because there was a series of text books called PLP. It stood for the Primary Learning Package, or something. I don't know, I just know there was a drawing of a frog on the cover. Thanks, Richard.)

Retort for a bully who is told to "pack it in" during his abuse. More phonetically correct would have been "Pakis don't come in tins", but no-one seemed to think of that.

The extended version is 'pakis don't come in tins, they come in busloads from bristol.'

Also consider the use of racial panic; 'pakis don't come in tens sir, they come in thousands'.

Another version of the retort to 'pack it in' followed the usual line of 'Pakis don't come in tins', and went on to add 'they come in banana boats'. Any adults listening would have been so charmed by the innocent innacuracy of the comment, that the naive bigotry just seemed sweet.