Silence in the courtyards,
Silence in the streets.
The biggest gob in England,
Is just about to speak.
Starting from........NOW!

Often used in classrooms as a teacher approaches, or in shared rooms to shut people up and allow sleep. In some versions of this game, however, sound effects are allowed, as long as they don't form words. So those attempting to sleep will be kept awake by cacophonic grunting.

Remember also that the phrase biggest gob can easily be replaced with many other choice expressions. Might I suggest biggest fattest anus? Or perhaps, shittiest knickered pikey?

One fellow pupil advocated the use of his mother's "silks" as a masturbation aid. We were never quite sure what was supposed to happen with the underwear, until he demonstrated what became known as "the silks dance" with a pair of imaginary tights. The dance is too complex to describe here – just imagine a boy fucking a stocking and you’re not too far off.

Series of music books, filled with retarded songs that kids were meant to sing instead of hymns during assembly in our Godless primary school. The only tunes I can remember from it were:

Jiggle jiggle jiggle jiggle/

Jiggle jiggle jiggle/

Little sack o' sugar I could eat you up.

And

I went down to a party/

It was me and Ben and Mack/

And before I knew what happened/

I got an itching on my back/

Scratch, scratch my back.

Sure, the music was safe from the oppressive spectre of religion, but boyhowdy did it suck. Why couldn't I have gone to a Catholic school? Knee socks, kilts, Latin and enforced cunnlingus, surrounded by all that fabulous stained glass and gigantic gold bleeding Jesuses. Hosannah! Hosaaaaaaaannah! I'd have LOVED that. And nuns. Nuns are way cool.

The popular assembly hymn in which all the infants wonderfully and as one sang "of kings..." at the end of the chorus, their voices trailing off as they realise there isn't another "of kings" there.

A slightly thick girl called Susan thought it was called 'Sing Susannah' and was therefore about her. Like anyone would go up to a King - let alone the King of Kings - and just sing her name. Then shuffle off awkwardly, realising that you hadn't planned anything else to say. Just "Susannah".

The name for a child, most likely of special educational needs, who is found masturbating in the school room by a girl, but resolutely completes the deed while she dithers between running off to tell and watching in slack-jawed paralysis.

Craig Eady shouted this at our art teacher while standing approximately six inches behind him.

Sir's reaction proved that he was entirely, or at least partially, deaf.

Pupils of opposite sexes were required, by this ridiculous rule, to remain no less than six inches apart whilst on the school's premises. Frequent were the boasts of male pupils that they could be get intimate with their girlfriends, whilst remaining six inches apart, as they were "hung like a donkey".

There's every chance that we did know what our woodwork teacher meant, when he said "pack it in or i'll stick my size nine up your backsides". There's a considerable possibility that we knew he meant his shoe, in a non-penetrative sense.

But we never let him know that.

A game similar to 'Scissors Paper Stone'.

Option 1 (denoted by making a fist) - look at a reflection of a photo of Sket's mum, one where shes not facing the camera, from 2 miles away.

Option 2 (denoted by a flat palm) - get done in the bum by the entire New Zealand rugby team, whilst being watched by a couple of silverback gorillas, who then join in for seconds.
3
2
1
Everyone shows a flat palm, even Sket.

Brown Y-fronts invariably had skid marks (actual evidence was unneccesary for conviction) as did any undergarment with a even a suggestion of yellow piping. Strong correlations were found between those sporting lobsters at swimming practive and the presence of skid marks thus causing prolonged embarrassment. Further etymological and historical research can be undertaken if necessary.

We actually had a game called 'Skids' at our (no surprise) all-boys school. The aim was to produce the most impressive skid marks in your pants. Anyone actually shitting themselves would immediately lose...

...though now that I come to write this down, it's quite clear that we were all losers. Losers with shitty underwear.

Areas of compacted snow used for highly territorial skidding. What, you were expecting shitty streaks on your knickers or something?

Once, we were in the changing room after a games lesson . For some bizarre reason, Steven Maule had taken off his kegs and left them on the floor. Upon further inspection, we noticed they were covered in skid marks. When challenged about this, young Mauley offered the following by way of explanation: "It's not my fault, my brother had them on yesterday".

Highly competitive activity where the winner was the one who could piss the highest up the wall of the toilet block. The resulting winning stream was marked off with chalk on the wall. Strange how the sense of occasion meant that we only pissed on the outside of the toilet block, as if that was OK. This was an exciting past-time, the enjoyment of which could be vastly increased if a competitor acheived a 'Lucozade'. See also "lucozade".

Jackie Tyler wanked off Beanie Baker and Rob Chatwin at the same time. "It was like skiing," she confessed.

To be skil with one l means that you have no balls. Usefully, they are both pronounced "skill", so you don't really have to reveal which skill you're using until you have your answer.

An excellent ruse. This involved asking a victim if they had "Skill". They would warily answer yes, which was a mistake. Skill, it was hilariously revealed, is an African bum-disease. The victim was of course trapped by the initial question, as to not have Skill was an obvious admission of being a total gaylord. (Interestingly, both definitions called it an African Bum Disease)