Uh...as far as I know, "Pakis", (in either the crap 70's sense of anyone with brown skin, or indeed the US/Australian sense, which is merely an abbreviation for someone from Pakistan, with no racial slur to it at all (talk to an Australian about cricket to hear this first hand "we thrashed the Pakis" etc.)) aren't prone to falling out of wheelchairs. Unless they are disabled in that way themselves, of course.

No one is asking you to find this story funny. It merely reports an incident. Not only does your argument about "pakis" make no sense, but your attempt to take the moral high ground by pointing out (like, wow) the word mongoloid could be considered offensive was utterly negated by your use of the word "cunt." There is a large group of people who would consider that to be misogynist in the extreme. You big hairy twat.

Here follows a counterpoint to the complaints we have received regarding this submission. Obviously, this person is not a spokesperson for the entire disabled community, and as this is the internet, we don’t know if they even "really are" a disabled (there may be a give-away in the use of the phrase "step down from my soapbox"*) but they do make an interesting point.

*Oh what a shit joke. Sorry. Um, I only put it in to "test" you. Please don’t run over my hands with your wheelchair, if you are one of the wheelchair ones. Xx

Excellent story Ian. As a disabled person nothing angers me more than do-gooders moaning about stories like these. It's hangovers like them that make decisions like having children in wheelchairs pushed at speed on running tracks.

If something is funny and it happened, that’s life, live with it, it's the PC society that has been created today by moaning, do-gooder muppets that makes living in the UK today like living in a totalitarian state. Shut your faces and let people live their lives and laugh, life's too f*****g short.

I now step down from my soapbox.

So, I was walking down the road when the fucking funniest thing ever happened: A Teenage girl got stabbed in the face! She fell over bleeding, quite alot, probably to death. I almost pissed myself. What made it funnier was that this girl was a paki! Aaah, Good Times!

Well, er, thanks for that Scarlett. Not strictly a playground anecdote, but we do strive to represent the full spectrum of reader opinion.

The Action Man is a great tool for measuring how loved a child is by his parents. Simply tot up the Action Men owned by the child, and refer to this key.

0-1 Action Men : Child is physically / mentally abused. If he has one Action Man, and it is up his arse, he may also be sexually abused, or gay. Also has headlice.

2-3 Action Men, 1 Vehicle : Child escapes the more serious symptoms of neglect, but the house is devoid of love. Divorce may be on the cards, mostly thanks to the stress caused by the financial burden of raising a child. You.

4-5 Action Men, 2+ Vehicles : Average. The child will grow up contented, and have a string of relationships with Russian spies before settling for an obedient plain girl.

6+ Action Men, All Vehicles : Clearly the parents have just died, and the foster parents want to stop him wetting the bed. Either that or the child knows how to play divorced parents off against each other.

Used in response to someone insulting your father, or any other family member, said tearfully and sincerely. The victim would hopefully say "Oh shit, I'm sorry", and then you'd laugh in their face.

With the assistance of a friend, this can also be the punchline to a joke on a third party. Go up to X and tell him to ask Y (your mate) if his dad is still scoring goals for England. Y then responds in the manner suggested. "You bastard, my dad's lost his legs in the war" is a suggested alternative.

Warning : This will only work on children who give a shit. Truly obnoxious children will reply "Good", leaving you with little recourse but to weakly say "Well he isn't anyway, so there".

Karen asked Adam, innocently enough: "Have you had your hair cut?"

"No" said Adam, "I've got leukemia"

Co-incidentally, so had Karen's brother.

I think she'd just about stopped crying by about lunchtime.

Mr Pascoe was (and i think is) a chemistry teacher, and the kind of teacher who was such a natural victim that it made you wonder why on earth he decided to enter the teaching profession. He was known as "Spaz-coe". This was made more pertinent and wrong by the fact one of his children had cerebral palsy.

The new name chosen by our maths teacher in the mid 80s when it became apparent that teaching at a secondary school might become problematic with the name Mr Ades.

In our attempts to bring you only the truest stories of playground cruelty, we searched the online phone book for Adeses. London gives a paltry two results. However, they're popping up like Karposi's Sarcoma in Surrey , with a massive dose of 13 Ades. Leeds is Ades-Free for now, but with this many Gays, it's only a matter of time. Lucy Hannaford, our research leads us to believe you. Congratulations!

A synonym for moodiness or anger, one may be in an adge, or feeling adgey. This becomes a Jaffa Adge, if the rage is particularly pathetic or impotent, such as hurling a rubber four feet across the room.

This is "radge" in newcastle, as in "howay man y'fucking radge", a commonly heard response to being decked for no reason, which happens a lot in newcastle. Cos everyone is pure radge.

Particularly effective if coupled with Geordie word for 'man', 'gadgey'.

Adidas bags can be doctored so that the logo is an acrostic for;

all day I dream about sex

after dinner I do a shit

a dirty indian did a shit

arse dicking is dangerous after supper

For double deedas, try;

a dirty indian did a shit and did it down a sewer

after dinner I did a shit,
(then backwards)
soon after desert I did another

A dick is dirty after sex

all day I deserve a sexual (rubbing) - this version addresses the underused (R) registered trademark symbol.