5 x 5 cm doodles, inspired by the work of the Heidelberg School, a group of 19-century Australian painters who for want of expensive canvasses, once exhibited a series of landscapes on the lids of 9 x 9 inch cigar boxes. A true 5 x 5 is developed from unstructured doodling, making full use of Dali's 'critical paranoiac' method to quickly tap unconscious desires is advised. Generally, little pictures of cocks.

Playgroundlaw Warning: Readers are asked to note that the following outburst has fuck all to do with the schoolyard and is not endorsed by the team as whimsical nostalgia. Still, he's got a point.

A '5x5' refers to the 5th tyre on a 4x4. Not the one suspended asymetrically on the back of the gas-guzzling behemoth. I'm speaking of the spare tyre around the midriff of the halfwit imbeciles driving 50 yards to drop their smug offspring off at the local school, then triple-parking so they can 'chat' about all the really important stuff in life (as dictated by 'Heat' magazine) before chugging en-masse to the local supermarket where they SLOWLY proceed to fill their shopping baskets with fat and sugar laden treats and alcohol to drown out the voices in their tiny minds telling them to kill themselves.

Batty Book Titles are those things that pretend to be real books, but the author is a pun. e.g., "Fell Out The Window" by Eileen Dover. Nicholas Gandolfo never quite got the hang of these, so came up with "Space Rocket Take Off" by 54321 Liftoff. Which is sort of getting towards the idea, even taking into account that he missed the point totally.

Another excruciating example comes from a poster designed by the school library assistant with hastily drawn pictures of books on it - part of a campaign to encourage use of the tumbleweed-filled facility. The poster featured a tome titled 'Bubbles In The Bath' - not by, as you would hope, the canonical Ivor Windybottom, but by 'B. A. Throom'.

Greeted with a weary disdain and a 'that's shit'.

I don't think it has ever been established whether the feeling of 6 sneezes in a row equals an orgasm, or if you sneeze 6 times, the sheer power results in uncontrollable ejaculation. When experimenting, do not use an extremely sharp pencil to induce sneezes in art class as it will result in a nosebleed.

My mate's older brother claimed he'd seen a proper scientific programme where they PROVED that a sneeze is the second most pleasurable body experience next to an orgasm.

Rubbish. Poo's are much more pleasurable, and last longer too.

The time, scientifically verified to the nanosecond, that it takes to smoke a fag and get to a class.

"Have you got seven minutes before Maths?"

Also the amount of time required to shag Jenny Evans 'round the back of the sportshall after school.

Any mention of this magical number should result in the entire assembly/class moaning with their tongue pushed behind their lower lip and slapping their thigh with their cupped palm. The school never sang hymn number 88, 188 etc. No teacher would dare suggest that the class turned to page 88. As time passed the number of associated trigger words swelled - common words like "space" and "mock" were all that were required to trigger this collective hysteria.