A girl's retort to any insult, along the lines of "what you say is what you are", or "I know you are, you said you are, so what am I?". In use;

Bully : Elaine, you scabby thighed fat bitch!
Elaine : A bit like you, really.

This is only a partial reflection, however, leaving the bully open to say this;

What, just a bit like me? Do you mean I'm scabby-thighed but not fat? Or that I'm scabby-thighed AND fat, but just not as much as you? Either way, you just admitted that you are a scabby-thighed fat bitch, and I'm telling the headmaster.

Mr Gregory was our geography teacher in year 2. We hated him, so formed (oh God) the Anti Gregory Liberation Army. The IRA and SAS can sleep easy in their beds - our rebellion stretched as far as making small badges with a picture of a beard drawn on with the wobbly green letters ''AGLA'' underneath. These were then worn under the lapels of our blazers. Our one tactical strike was putting the clock forward 10 minutes in lessons so we could get out early. Plot was foiled when Gregory, er, looked at his watch. No members of the AGLA ever went on to serve in the Gulf War.

Fiendish plan by two nine year olds who wished to dupe the charitable British public into giving them money to buy Star Wars stuff. The "Anthony and John Figure Fund" involved rattling homemade collection tins made from Panda Pops bottles with attractive labels drawn in felt tip and wandering the estate until we got bored. After two afternoons we had extorted £2.00 each from our parents, who found their children begging for toy money from their neighbours extremely distasteful.

I got Lando Calrissian - result!

If you're going to throw a paper aeroplane at the French teacher, you might as well make a trip to the art room before the lesson and do it properly.

The school's entire collection of colour plates from old National Geographic magazines was decimated in a single term when we discovered they made superb paper aeroplanes, especially when they have cocktail sticks wedged into the nose.

Our school had pull-back partition walls separating some rooms. When we were upstairs in French, we used to throw planes down at a class diagonally below us. Their teacher usually went bananas at us but one day as a plane was slowly wafting down towards her, she looked up sharply and her left breast fell out of her dress. She didn't notice. Her entire class did. She ended up having a nervous breakdown.

Even better, if you blue tack one of those plastic craft knives into the fold down the centre of the aeroplane, so that the blade protrudes from the front of the aircraft, it becomes a highly accurate and lethal weapon of terror that will easily lodge into walls, blackboards, flesh etc.

Please don't try this at home, school or anywhere else.

(Unless you think it would be really funny, of course -Susan.)

Mr Anstey - mild-mannered R.E. teacher faced an up-hill struggle every week. Nobody really cared about "what kind of lentils Muslins had for breakfast". What they were interested in was having the man endure squadrons of paper planes pelting his back, while he chalked up The Ten Commandments.

Mr Anstey: "Right. Pieces of paper are now 10p each!"
Class clown, after throwing a £1 coin at teacher and strolling up to grab a pile of paper: "OK. I'll take ten."

You see, on God & stuff he was mustard. Forecasting current trends in market forces, though - rubbish.

A variation on the normal game of tig. The aim was the same, except you had to play it with your coat over your head, peering down one of the arms, which ostensibly looked like you had an aardvark's snout. What we actually looked like was a bunch of kids running about with coats on our heads.

Are you ABC? What ABC stands for depends on your response.

Yes : African Bum Cleaner
No : A Brilliant Child

This doesn't exactly work grammatically, but that doesn't now and never did matter. And it is, to be fair, only really funny if they say "yes".

Also to add to your "abc" definition, it was used to denote the exchange of an "already been chewed" piece of gum from one kid to another.

a b c
1 2 3
Now I get
To punch thee

Prelude to punching someone in the chest, or the face if you like. Can be prevented by getting a punch in first - like most things, really.

The victimisation of Carlisle's Ben Hodgson reached a peak when the "Anti Ben Campaigners" formed. Not just your average group of Ben-hating teenagers, we had a string of successful singles, the best-remembered being "Ben is a Bummer".

Our group was forced to retire after one of our cassettes was passed about on a school trip, and a teacher listened to it.

Apparently, a group of boys dedicating every spare hour to writing songs about Ben bumming things was not only bullying, but it said more about us than it did about Ben.

In the 1980s, Northampton Borough Council workers drove around in yellow vans with 'NBC' on the side. We would therefore taunt the school fleabags by chanting "your dad works for Northampton Bum Cleaners".

Twenty years later, I now make a living cleaning bums in a Northampton old peoples home. The irony is sickening.

When Mr Craig asks you to 'parse' part of a Latin sentence, you must reply with this answer. Mr Craig will then mutter "Oh, God" and put his head in his hands before weeping quietly.

The distance that Danny Swailes fell to escape a 10 minute after school detention for the whole class. Danny said he was leaving at the normal time. When Mr Luck blocked the door, Danny slid the back window open and hopped out.

Despite his confidence, Danny sprained both ankles so badly that he couldn't actually walk for a week, and had to ask a teacher, who happened to see this crumpled, crying mess on the floor, to phone his dad for a lift home.

A dinner lady once asked a colleague what the magic word was, after he forgot to say please. His response?

"Abracadabra motherfucker, now give me my potatoes!"

He later claimed that he had been calling the dinner lady "Mother Hubbard" as a term of endearment. Nice try.

This was one of those terrible events that you piss yourself laughing about until the day you die. It occurred in my last year at high school, at our Sports Day held in the Queen Elizabeth II recreation centre.

Now, Hillmorton being the PC, progressive school that it is, we had a special unit on the school grounds for students that were severely physically and mentally handicapped. After the initial shock of having "them" in the school, people soon learned to capitalise on the humour element, as they had the habit of making loud mongoloid noises in school assemblies. Quite amusing.

Anyway, it was decided that, to be fair and equal, these students would have their own race... a wheelchair race, where able-bodied students would push the handicapped students along the track in front of the school. That was fine... everyone was sitting round going "isn't it good that they can take part, please have some of my fine sponge cake". And thus far, we had satisfied ourselves with laughing at one of the helpers pushing a wheelchair, who was hugely fat. However, we were to be treated to something deeply more.

To the absolute shocked amazement of everyone watching, one of the wheelchairs ran into a stone on the track. The wheel jammed and came to a sudden stop. The confused helper kept pushing, however, which lent an extra momentum to the handicapped girl, who was now sailing through the air.

She landed face first onto the hard track... and because she was so handicapped, she could do NOTHING to break her fall. This was the source of extreme tragedy, and consequently, humour. It all seemed to happen in slow motion... we saw her fly out of her chair, and do a graceful arc in mid-air and then slam heavily down onto the ground. There was a collective inward gasp amongst the crowd, and a rather shocked silence.

Then, to the disgust of the teachers who worked with the handicapped teens and who were now rushing in horror to the girl's side, the faint murmurs of laughter could be heard tittering round the place. With hindsight, something like this HAD to happen... and in a really unpleasant way, I'm glad it did.

This is a comment on the entry by ian henderson. i think you should take it off your site. it is not funny, but offensive, sneering and discriminatory.

Thank you.

Sorry, no. Hugs and kisses, from Log.

Imagine this story being submitted again, only replacing every reference to disabled people with a reference to "pakis". Still funny? Still inoffensive? Bet you wouldn't post it, because taking the piss out of some minorities, like ethnic groups, is not on, whereas taking the piss out of others, disabled people, is still fair game.

Besides, this is basically a story about somebody falling out of a wheelchair, which is hardly Oscar Wilde, is it? And, since 1978, only cunts use the word "mongoloid". It displays a basic lack of education or intellect.